


Past

by kafrickinboom



Series: Voltron WLW Month [9]
Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: F/F, Genderbending, Happy Ending, Insecure Keith (Voltron), Love Confessions, Past, Pining, Pre-Relationship, Pre-smut, Regret, Sad Keith (Voltron), Season 3, VLD WLW Month, Voltron WLW Month 2017
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-09
Updated: 2017-08-09
Packaged: 2018-12-13 03:53:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11751450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kafrickinboom/pseuds/kafrickinboom
Summary: Kath's worst regret? Never telling Shiro how she feels about her before she disappeared.





	Past

There isn’t much that Kath has done that she regrets about her life, honestly. She doesn’t regret not doing more on Earth because one, there isn’t anything there for her, and two, if she did, the butterfly effect could have prevented her from being a Paladin of Voltron. She doesn’t regret making a spontaneous decision to investigate whoever was in that government lab off the Garrison base because she got Shiro back as a result of it. She doesn’t regret any of the hotheaded arguments she’s had in the past with the people she cares about because they’ve led to conversations later on that have brought them closer together, and she definitely doesn’t regret allowing her teammates to become the family she’s never had.

She  _ does, _ however regret things she  _ didn’t _ do. She regrets not learning more about her dad’s history he died, before leaving Earth. She regrets not visiting him the day before he died (even though she  _ knows _ she had no way of knowing). She, on some very minor level, regrets getting kicked out the Garrison. She regrets not seeing more of the Earth before leaving it. She regrets not reaching out toward the others until recently, her connections with them fresher, newer  _ (weaker, _ her mind provided) than with each other. She regrets not taking out Zarkon when she had the chance.

Her worst regret? Never telling Shiro how she feels about her before she disappeared.

Now she’s sitting in Black, in the seat that the woman she loved-  _ loves _ (Shiro  _ isn’t _ dead; she’s just missing) sat in before her, (poorly) leading the team in place of Shiro, and Kath feels sick to her stomach.

This isn’t how things were supposed to go. They were supposed to tear a path to through the Galra, whoop Zarkon’s ass into the next incarnation of life, come back home to the castle-ship, and Kath...was supposed to get the girl in the end. She had  _ plans. _ To finally tell Shiro how much she meant to her. To look up into those beautiful, dark eyes, grab her up in a rush of victorious glee and kiss her until she couldn’t remember her own name. To finally cut the tension  built up between them.

That, of course, is not at all how it went down. Sure, they beat the Galra, and it was  _ awesome, _ but-  After Zarkon was mortally wounded,  _ something _ happened...and none of them know exactly what. 

All they know is that in the middle of their cheering, Kath had noticed a distinct lack of one particular, melodic voice. All they know is that when they got ahold of Black and entered her cockpit, Shiro was nowhere to be seen. All they know is that they haven’t been able to find Shiro  _ anywhere _ in any of the corners of the universe they’ve searched. All they know is they’ll never stop looking.

\---

Pidge finding a way to charge their phones with Altean technology all those months ago is a blessing and a curse. 

On one hand, Kath can flip through the photos she has saved on her phone and listen to the music that makes her feel a small tug of nostalgia for Earth.

On the other, it lends to the habit of staring at the photos of Shiro for far too long, dragging her into a melancholy so deep, she feels like she’s drowning in it, unable to break the surface, unable to breathe. Also on this other hand, Kath, being the masochist she very clearly, truly is, listens to songs that relate to her the way she feels, which...with how she’s been feeling has been depressed, longing and fragile, does nothing for her state of mind. 

She’s always listened to things that relate to her mood to try and feel understood. Others like Lance and Hunk- when they’re feeling down, they listen to music that’s uplifting or brings back happy memories to try and break up the sadness clinging to their hearts. Pidge seems to be of the Kath variety, where they’d rather drown in whatever emotion they’re feeling, whether it be happy or angry or excited or thoughtful or sad. They want to drown in their feelings in private, locking themselves away from the world and just losing themselves to their feelings. 

Sometimes it’s good. Sometimes...not so good, but it’s still a form of catharsis that the more optimistic, happy-go-lucky members of the team just didn’t understand. 

Kath’s been listening to her “emo music playlist” (as Lance calls it) on loop for weeks now. Before, it had been music relating to her fury, her hatred of self for letting Shiro vanish without doing anything to prevent it (again, Kath knows there’s no way she could have known it would happen, but emotions are rarely logical). 

It was only after months had passed and her angry finally burnt itself out, shifting to sorrow and dejection, to regret and wistfulness and yearning to have things back to the way were were. 

Lately her most played songs include “Tomorrow Never Came” by Lana Del Rey, “Ain’t No Sunshine” by Coeur de Pirate, “Faithfully” by Journey and “Vanilla Twilight” by Owl City. Needless to say, she’s wallowing.

Today it’s that last one on loop, and one lyric screams louder in her mind than all the rest-  _ “Oh, if my voice could reach back through the past, I'd whisper in your ear, ‘Oh darling I wish you were here.’” _ And wow, is that fucking apt.

Not only does she wish Shiro was here because Kath wants to love her into the sweetest oblivion, but...beyond that the team just hasn’t been the same without Shiro’s firm but gentle guidance.  _ Kath _ isn’t the same without it. Shiro was-  _ is _ a grounding force, a tether when Kath flies too far off the handle, someone who made her feel like she was going to be okay, her best friend. 

And now she’s gone, and Kath has been a snappy little shit with everyone and she doesn’t quite know how to stop it because her turmoil just keeps churning, keeps deepening, keeping pressing on her nerves, and Kath has never been good with patience. She wants to find Shiro  _ now. _ Unfortunately, there’s nothing to be done but to  _ keep going, _ so Kath focuses all of her aggression and sorrow and intensity and building tension on chasing Lotor, on finding out just what he’s planning, on seeing if that asshole knows anything about Shiro’s whereabouts.

She just hopes they find Shiro before she combusts.

\---

Kath still can’t quite believe it. After  _ months _ of searching, they’d actually found her!

She’s little worse for wear, her limp, oily hair longer and shaggier than Kath’s ever seen it, the bags under her eyes stand out livid against her pale skin, which has taken on a sickly pallor. Her once soft, plush lips are dry and cracking. She looks drawn, thin, malnourished. Still, it’s  _ Shiro, _ and Kath feels like today is the first time she’s smiled since Shiro went missing.

Seeing her, having her within reach, tangible- Kath feels the relief and joy rushing through her, reaching into and healing past heartache. She feels like she could fly, high on Shiro’s presence, but...there’s a strange tension between them that curbs her exhilaration to something more tempered. 

From Kath’s understanding, Shiro’s been stuck in that Galra fighter jet for days without food or water, on the very brink of actual death just as Kath and the rest of the team found her. Kath can only imagine what Shiro must have went. She hadn’t yet said anything about her time back with the Galra aside from just pointing out that that was where she was this whole time. It makes Kath sick to her stomach to know that Shiro had been with those monsters  _ again _ this whole time. 

Kath’s guilt wars with her happiness, a nausea-inducing combination that kicked up every time she thought about the fact that she didn’t push hard enough, wasn’t fast enough, wasn’t  _ enough _ to save the woman she loves from her worst fear. Shiro had talked with Kath at length about how she was terrified of the possibility of ever being captured, of being experimented on, of having her freedom stolen from her again.

The week they found out that Kath is half-Galra was probably the worst week of Kath’s life, pre-Shiro disappearance. Shiro hadn’t been able to fully look her in the eye, but Kath often caught her staring from her periphery, wary and contemplative in a way that made Kath’s skin itch. Their time spent together was reduced to eating together with the rest of the team, and when they were fighting the Galra as Voltron. (But really, does that even count?) Kath had wallowed in her misery every night for six days straight, wondering if she’s really a monster because of her apparent heritage, if there was anything she could do to somehow make things right between her and the rest of the team, if Shiro would hate her forever, if this would be the thing to break them.

And then, as swiftly as Shiro shut things down between them, she brought them back two-fold. She’d sheepishly apologized for being an asshole, reassuring Kath that she was still  _ Kath _ regardless of her heritage. They’d hung out more than ever before. It felt like Shiro was always hanging around and Kath  _ loved _ it. She loved spending more time with Shiro, whether it was hanging out with the others in the observation deck or in the privacy one of their rooms, or training together again, or the few surprising times Shiro asked for Kath’s opinion on how to proceed with a particular mission. Kath didn’t quite know what flipped the switch, but Shiro had even been more affectionate after that, leaning against Kath when they were reading side by side, lingering touches in the training room that made Kath blush, and one memorable moment, Shiro tickled her.  _ Tickled _ her. Right there in her bed like they were a couple sharing a soft, silly moment or something, and that was the night Kath knew she’d fallen in love with her best friend in the entire universe (literally).

After that, things were so  _ good. _ The rest of the team (even Allura and Coran) warmed back up to Kath, and the building tension between her and Shiro could only mean good things, right?

And then it all fell to shit, and now Kath’s emotions are a riotous mess. She just hopes the tension between them now isn’t of the bad variety.

\---

Kath glares at Black after their last battle against Lotor’s lackeys. She was supposed to take Shiro back. Kath was supposed to go back to Red. Lance to Blue. Allura to piloting the castle-ship. Shiro was supposed to pick up her past position of being the literal head of Voltron.

Kath knows Shiro doesn’t actually begrudge her for Black rejecting Shiro, but it doesn’t lessen the pang in Kath’s heart every time Shiro’s gaze turns wistful when she looks at the Lion. 

Shiro deserves Black more than Kath ever would. Shiro’s past experience as a leader, not only with Team Voltron, but also dating back to her days at the Garrison, made her a much better fit for the Paladin position. Shiro is a natural at all the things Kath struggles with- knowing when to slow down, knowing which path to take, knowing how to effectively  _ lead _ a team. Thankfully Shiro was still there every step of the way to guide them or Kath probably would have fucked everything up, possibly hurting the team worse than their bumps and bruises and letting Lotor’s guards or generals or whatever they are get away with the scaultrite lenses intact. 

She just doesn’t understand Black at all. Why would she choose someone like  _ Kath _ over Shiro? She begrudgingly understood it when Shiro was missing, but now that the rightful, righteous, most obvious choice was back, it made no sense for Black to turn Shiro away.

Kath isn’t leader material. She’s too much of a hotheaded, reckless, and due to her past, her upbringing, she’s a loner in the highest. Her willingness to choose her battles, her caution, her motivational pep talks- all of it pales in comparison to Shiro’s. Kath just doesn't fit the mold of what Black needs. 

“Hey,” Shiro’s voice startles her, cutting through the confused, contemplative silence of Black’s hangar. Kath turns, not even attempting to smile, brows furrowing at Shiro’s wide smile. “I was looking for you everywhere. I figured you’d be out of here by now.” 

“We just got back,” Kath means to say, but her tone lifts into a question at the end of its own volition.

Shiro huffs a laugh. “You’ve been in here for half an hour.”

Kath’s brows climb toward her hairline. She has a tendency to get lost in her thoughts when she’s by herself, but she rarely lets herself remain stationary in that time. She’s a woman of action, constant movement and always striving for progress. Sitting on her ass glaring at Shir-  _ her _ Lion (she mentally grumbles) does nothing but waste time.

“Sorry,” she sighs. “Anyway, what’s up? You said you were looking for me?”

“Yeah, I thought we could hang out. Catch up a bit.” Shiro suggests with a blush, her eyes not quite on Kath’s.

Kath’s lips quirk into a smirk. “Of course. Let me just get cleaned up?”   
  
“Sounds good. Meet me in my room afterward,” Shiro orders with a playful smile and a wink before leaving with a bit more swing to her hips than usual, sending Kath into a bit of dizzying whiplash.

Kath stands there for a moment, trying to push the hope building in her down. She starts disarming as she thinks about Shiro and what she could want out of this hangout.

Maybe it really is just to catch up, but there was a hint of something there in Shiro’s eyes, something brighter,  _ hotter, _ than just a friendly request. She’d looked nervous when she’d asked Kath to spend time with her, like there was even a minute possibility that Kath would ever say no to that beautiful face. Maybe Kath’s hope is coloring what actually happened. Maybe Shiro couldn’t quite meet her eyes because she’s still upset about Kath’s past failures. Maybe the playful edge to her parting smile was because she noted the pink in Kath’s cheeks whenever she’s around. Who the hell knows? 

She needs to find out.

\---

Okay, so she took much longer to get ready for this simple hangout than she’d originally intended. It was just… She  _ knows _ it’s not a date or anything like that, but Shiro deserves some effort, right? So, of course Kath took a short shower, brushed her teeth, put on the best clothes that ride the line between comfortable and  _ tight, _ brushing her hair into something that looked effortless (but had taken up more time than she’d wanted). She’d considered throwing on a coat of mascara or something, but she wanted to look nice, not desperate.

She took exactly one deep breath before knocking on Shiro’s door. She bit her lip as it immediately swung open like Shiro was impatiently waiting for Kath to show up. What Kath wasn’t expecting was for her back to press against the door as soon as it closed. She wasn’t expecting Shiro’s strong hands to tilt her face up, pressing a gentle kiss to her lips. 

Everything froze for a few seconds. Kath’s breath was caught in her chest, her eyes flown wide in shock. It was only when Shiro started to pull back that Kath’s brain came back online, eyes slipping closed as she pushed back against Shiro enthusiastically. Her hands dug into the curves of Shiro’s muscled back, pulling her against Kath. Shiro groaned against her lips as she responded in kind, their kiss growing from chaste to intense in the span of a couple seconds. 

It feels like a relief feeling Shiro’s tongue against hers. It feels like balm against her past ache of longing and the maelstrom of her emotional barrage to feel Shiro’s long hair tickle her cheeks. It feels like ecstasy to not only hear, but  _ feel _ Shiro’s moans pressed to her lips. It feels like heaven when Shiro’s hands slip under her tank top. It feels like the sweetest attrition when the swipes of Shiro’s tongue migrate from her bottom lip to the curve of her neck, over the tops of her breast, over her nipples...

“I love you, you know,” Kath pants out before she loses her nerve, and Shiro only pauses long enough to smile at her like she put the stars in the sky.

“I love you too,” Shiro says between biting kisses in a line down her stomach.

They have so much they need to talk about, so many mistakes to apologize for, so much of the past months Shiro was gone to, so many feelings to finally admit to- but Kath can’t find the words when Shiro settles on her knees before her. 

They can talk about it later.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading! Kudos and comments are always appreciated!
> 
> Next up: f!Lance x Allura, "Culture"


End file.
